INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS SCRIPT

(DISTANT RUMBLING)

  
(SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(MEN SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
While I'm very familiar
with you and your family,

  
I have no way of knowing if
you are familiar with who I am.

  
Are you aware
of my existence?

  
Yes.

  
This is good.

  
Now, are you aware of the job
I've been ordered to carry out in France?

  
Yes.

  
Please tell me
what you've heard.

  
I've heard

  
that the Führer has put you in charge
of rounding up the Jews left in France

  
who are either hiding
or passing for Gentile.

  
The Führer couldn't have
said it better himself.

  
But the meaning
of your visit,

  
pleasant though it is,
is mysterious to me.

  
The Germans looked through my house
nine months ago for hiding Jews

  
and found nothing.

  
I'm aware of that.

  
I've read the reports
of this area.

  
But like any enterprise,
when under new management,

  
there is always a slight
duplication of efforts,

  
most of it being a complete waste of time,
but needs to be done nevertheless.

  
I just have a few questions,
monsieur LaPadite.

  
If you can assist me
with answers,

  
my department can close
the file on your family.

  
Now,

  
before the occupation, there were
four Jewish families in this area,

  
all dairy farmers
like yourself.

  
Doleracs, Rollins,
the Loveitts

  
and the Dreyfuses.

  
Is that correct?

  
To my knowledge,

  
those were the Jewish families
among the dairy farmers.

  
Herr Colonel, would it disturb
you if I smoked my pipe?

  
(CHUCKLES) Please,
monsieur LaPadite,

  
this is your house,
make yourself comfortable.

  
Now, according
to these papers,

  
all the Jewish families in this
area have been accounted for

  
except the Dreyfuses.

  
Somewhere in the last year it
would appear they've vanished.

  
Which leads me to the conclusion that
they've either made good their escape

  
or someone is very
successfully hiding them.

  
What have you heard about the
Dreyfuses, monsieur LaPadite?

  
Only rumors.

  
I love rumors!

  
Facts could be
so misleading,

  
where rumors, true or
false, are often revealing.

  
So, monsieur LaPadite,

  
what rumors have you heard
regarding the Dreyfuses?

  
(CLEARS THROAT)

  
Again,
this is just a rumor,

  
but we heard the Dreyfuses
had made their way into Spain.

  
(MATCHSTICKS SCRAPING)

  
So, the rumors you've heard
have been of escape?

  
(AGREES IN FRENCH)

  
Yes.

  
Having never met the Dreyfuses,
would you confirm for me

  
the exact members of the
household and their names?

  
(CLEARS THROAT)

  
There were
five of them.

  
The father, Jacob.

  
Wife, Miram.

  
And her brother, Bob.

  
How old is Bob?

  
Thirty, 31.

  
Continue.

  
And the children,

  
Amos

  
and Shosanna.

  
Ages of the children?

  
(SIGHS)

  
Amos was nine or 10.

  
And Shosanna?

  
And Shosanna was

  
18 or 19.
I'm not really sure.

  
Well, I guess
that should do it.

  
(ZIPPER CLOSING)

  
However, before I go, could I have
another glass of your delicious milk?

  
But of course.

  
Monsieur LaPadite,

  
are you aware of the nickname the
people of France have given me?

  
(SIGHS)

  
I have no interest
in such things.

  
But you are aware
of what they call me.

  
I'm aware.

  
What are you aware of?

  
(THANKING
IN FRENCH)

  
That they call you
"The Jew Hunter."

  
Precisely.

  
I understand your
trepidation in repeating it.

  
Heydrich apparently
hates the moniker

  
the good people of Prague
have bestowed on him.

  
Actually, why he would hate the
name "the Hangman" is baffling to me.

  
It would appear he has done
everything in his power to earn it.

  
Now I, on the other hand,
love my unofficial title

  
precisely because
I've earned it.

  
The feature that makes me such an
effective hunter of the Jews is,

  
as opposed to most
German soldiers,

  
I can think like a Jew

  
where they can only
think like a German.

  
(CHUCKLING) More precisely,
a German soldier.

  
Now, if one were to determine what attribute
the German people share with a beast,

  
it would be the cunning and the
predatory instinct of a hawk.

  
But if one were to determine what
attributes the Jews share with a beast,

  
it would be
that of the rat.

  
The Führer and Goebbels' propaganda
have said pretty much the same thing.

  
But where our conclusions
differ,

  
is I don't consider
the comparison an insult.

  
Consider for a moment
the world a rat lives in.

  
It's a hostile world,
indeed.

  
If a rat were to scamper through
your front door, right now,

  
would you greet it
with hostility?

  
I suppose I would.

  
Has a rat ever done
anything to you

  
to create this animosity
you feel toward them?

  
Rats spread disease.
They bite people.

  
Rats were the cause of the bubonic
plague, but that's some time ago.

  
I propose to you any disease
a rat could spread,

  
a squirrel could
equally carry.

  
Would you agree?

  
(AGREES IN FRENCH)

  
Yet, I assume you don't share
the same animosity with squirrels

  
that you do with rats,
do you?

  
No.

  
Yet, they're both rodents,
are they not?

  
And except for the tail, they
even rather look alike, don't they?

  
It's an interesting thought,
Herr Colonel.

  
However interesting
as the thought may be,

  
it makes not one bit of
difference to how you feel.

  
If a rat were to walk in
here, right now, as I'm talking

  
would you greet it with a
saucer of your delicious milk?

  
Probably not.

  
I didn't think so.

  
You don't like them.

  
You don't really know
why you don't like them.

  
All you know is
you find them repulsive.

  
Consequently, a German
soldier conducts a search

  
of a house suspected
of hiding Jews.

  
Where does the hawk look?

  
He looks in the barn, he looks in
the attic, he looks in the cellar,

  
he looks everywhere
he would hide.

  
But there are so many places it
would never occur to a hawk to hide.

  
However, the reason the Führer has
brought me off my Alps in Austria

  
and placed me in French cow country
today is because it does occur to me.

  
Because I'm aware what tremendous
feats human beings are capable of

  
once they abandon dignity.

  
May I smoke my pipe
as well?

  
Please, Herr Colonel,
make yourself at home.

  
Now, my job dictates

  
that I must have my men
enter your home

  
and conduct
a thorough search

  
before I can officially cross
your family's name off my list.

  
And if there are any irregularities
to be found, rest assured they will be.

  
That is unless you have
something to tell me

  
that makes the conducting
of a search unnecessary.

  
I might add, also,
that any information

  
that makes the performance of my duty
easier will not be met with punishment.

  
Actually, quite the contrary.
It will be met with reward.

  
And that reward will be,

  
your family will cease
to be harassed in any way

  
by the German military during the
rest of our occupation of your country.

  
You're sheltering enemies
of the state, are you not?

  
Yes.

  
You're sheltering them underneath
your floorboards, aren't you?

  
Yes.

  
Point out to me the areas
where they're hiding.

  
Since I haven't heard
any disturbance,

  
I assume, while they're listening,
they don't speak English.

  
Yes.

  
I'm going to switch back to French now,
and I want you to follow my masquerade.

  
Is that clear?

  
(SNIFFLES)

  
Yes.

  
(SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(SHUSHING)

  
It's the girl.

  
(SOBBING)

  
(EXCLAIMS)

  
(PANTING)

  
Au revoir, Shosanna!

  
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

  
ALDO: Ten-hut!

  
My name is
Lieutenant Aldo Raine.

  
And I'm putting together a special
team, and I need me eight soldiers.

  
Eight Jewish
American soldiers.

  
Now, you all might've heard rumors
about the armada happening soon.

  
Well, we'll be leaving
a little earlier.

  
We're going to be dropped into
France dressed as civilians.

  
Once we're
in enemy territory,

  
as a bushwhacking
guerrilla army,

  
we're going to be doing one
thing and one thing only.

  
Killing Nazis.

  
I don't know
about you all,

  
but I sure as hell didn't come down
from the goddamn Smoky Mountains,

  
cross 5, 000 miles of water,
fight my way through half of Sicily

  
and jump out of a fucking airplane to
teach the Nazis lessons in humanity.

  
Nazi ain't got no humanity.

  
They're the foot soldiers of a Jew-hating,
mass-murdering maniac

  
and they need
to be destroyed.

  
That's why any and every son of a
bitch we find wearing a Nazi uniform,

  
they're going to die.

  
Now, I'm the direct descendent
of the mountain man Jim Bridger.

  
That means I got
a little Indian in me.

  
And our battle plan will be
that of an Apache resistance.

  
We will be cruel
to the Germans.

  
And through our cruelty,
they will know who we are.

  
And they will find
the evidence of our cruelty

  
in the disemboweled,
dismembered

  
and disfigured bodies of their
brothers we leave behind us.

  
And the German won't be able
to help themselves

  
but imagine the cruelty their
brothers endured at our hands,

  
and our boot heels
and the edge of our knives.

  
And the German
will be sickened by us.

  
And the German
will talk about us.

  
And the German
will fear us.

  
And when the German
closes their eyes at night

  
and they're tortured by their
subconscious for the evil they have done,

  
it will be with thoughts of us
that they are tortured with.

  
Sound good?

  
ALL: Yes, sir!

  
That's what I like to hear.

  
But I got a word of warning
for all you would-be warriors.

  
When you join my command,
you take on debit.

  
A debit you owe me,
personally.

  
Each and every man under my
command owes me 100 Nazi scalps.

  
And I want my scalps.

  
And all y'all will get me 100 Nazi scalps
taken from the heads of 100 dead Nazis.

  
Or you will die trying!

  
(SHOUTING IN GERMAN)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(INTERCOM BUZZING)

  
(KLIEST SPEAKING GERMAN
ON INTERCOM)

  
(KLIEST SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(BUTZ SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(BASTERDS LAUGHING)

  
Hey, Hirschberg.

  
Send that Kraut
sarge over.

  
HIRSCHBERG: You. Go.

  
Sergeant
Werner Rachtman.

  
Lieutenant Aldo Raine.
Pleased to meet you.

  
You know what
"sit down" means, Werner?

  
Yes.
Then sit down.

  
How is your English,
Werner?

  
Because if need be, we got a
couple of fellows who can translate.

  
Wicki here,

  
an Austrian-Jew, got the fuck out
of Munich while the getting was good.

  
Became American, got drafted,
come back to give y'all what for.

  
Another one up there
you might be familiar with.

  
Sergeant Hugo Stiglitz.

  
Heard of him?

  
Everybody in the German Army
has heard of Hugo Stiglitz.

  
(BASTERDS LAUGHING)

  
MALE NARRATOR: The reason
for Hugo Stiglitz's celebrity

  
among German soldiers
is simple.

  
As a German-enlisted man,
he killed 13 Gestapo officers.

  
Instead of putting him up
against a wall,

  
the High Command decided
to send him back to Berlin

  
to be made an example of.

  
Needless to say, once the
Basterds heard about him,

  
he never got there.

  
(GASPING)

  
Sergeant Hugo Stiglitz?

  
Lieutenant Aldo Raine.
These are the Basterds.

  
Ever heard of us?

  
We just want to say we're
a big fan of your work.

  
When it comes
to killing Nazis...

  
(MAN GROANING)

  
...I think you show
great talent.

  
And I pride myself for having
an eye for that kind of talent.

  
But your status as a Nazi
killer is still amateur.

  
We all come here to see
if you want to go pro.

  
(BASTERDS LAUGHING)

  
Can I assume
you know who we are?

  
You're Aldo the Apache.

  
(BASTERDS WHOOPING)

  
Werner,
if you heard of us,

  
you probably heard we ain't in
the prisoner-taking business.

  
We in the killing Nazi business,
and, cousin, business is a-booming.

  
HIRSCHBERG:
(LAUGHING) Oh, yeah.

  
Now, that leaves two ways
we can play this out.

  
Either kill you
or let you go.

  
Whether or not you're going
to leave this ditch alive

  
depends entirely on you.

  
Up the road a piece,
there's an orchard.

  
Besides you, we know there's another
Kraut patrol fucking around here somewhere.

  
If that patrol were
to have any crack shots,

  
that orchard would be
a goddamn sniper's delight.

  
So if you ever want to eat
a sauerkraut sandwich again,

  
you got to show me on
this here map where they are.

  
You got to tell me how many
they are, and you got to tell me

  
what kind of artillery
they're carrying with them.

  
(SCOFFING)

  
You can't expect me to divulge information
that would put German lives in danger.

  
Well, now, Werner, that's where you're wrong,
because that's exactly what I expect.

  
I need to know about
Germans hiding in trees.

  
And you need to tell me.
And you need to tell me right now.

  
Now, just take that
finger of yours

  
and point out on this here map
where this party is being held,

  
how many is coming and what
they brought to play with.

  
I respectfully refuse,
sir.

  
(BAT TAPPING)

  
Hear that?

  
Yes.

  
That's Sergeant
Donny Donowitz.

  
You might know him better
by his nickname.

  
The Bear Jew.

  
Now, if you heard of Aldo the Apache,
you got to have heard about The Bear Jew.

  
I heard of The Bear Jew.

  
What did you hear?

  
Beats German soldiers
with a club.

  
He bashes their brains in with
a baseball bat, what he does.

  
And, Werner, I'm going to
ask you one last goddamn time,

  
and if you still
respectfully refuse,

  
I'm calling
The Bear Jew over.

  
He's going to take
that big bat of his,

  
and he's going to beat
your ass to death with it.

  
Now, take your
Wiener-schnitzel-licking finger,

  
and point out on this map
what I want to know.

  
Fuck you.

  
And your Jew dogs.

  
(BASTERDS LAUGHING)

  
(BASTERDS APPLAUDING)

  
Actually, Werner, we're all
tickled to hear you say that.

  
Quite frankly, watching
Donny beat Nazis to death

  
is the closest we ever get
to going to the movies. Donny!

  
DONNY: Yeah?

  
Got us a German here who
wants to die for country.

  
Oblige him.

  
(BAT TAPPING)

  
(CONTINUES TAPPING)

  
(BASTERDS CHEERING)

  
Did you get that
for killing Jews?

  
Bravery.

  
(BASTERDS EXCLAIMING)

  
Yeah!

  
BASTERD 1: Oh, no!
BASTERD 2: Oh, no!

  
Donny!

  
BASTERD: Yeah, Donny!

  
About now I'd be shitting
my pants if I was you.

  
(LAUGHING)

  
Teddy Fucking Williams
knocks it out of the park!

  
Fenway Park is on its feet
for Teddy Fucking Ballgame!

  
He went yard on that one,
on to fucking Lansdowne Street!

  
You!

  
Damn it,
Hirschberg!

  
Donny, bring that other one
over here. Alive!

  
Get the fuck up!
Batter up. You're on deck!

  
Two hits. I hit you,
you hit the ground.

  
English?

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
ALDO: Wicki.

  
Ask him
if he wants to live.

  
(BOTH SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
Tell him to point out on
this map the German position.

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(BASTERDS LAUGHING)

  
Ask him how many Germans.

  
(BOTH SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
Around about 12.

  
What kind of artillery?

  
(BOTH SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
Now, when you report
what happened here,

  
you can't tell them you told us
what you told us. They'll shoot you.

  
They're going to want to know why
you so special, we let you live.

  
So tell them, we let you live so you
could spread the word through the ranks

  
what's going to happen
to every Nazi we find.

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
Now that you've survived the war, when
you get home, what you going to do?

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
WICKI: He's going
to hug his mother.

  
(SNIFFS)

  
Well, ain't that nice?

  
Ask if he's going
to take off his uniform.

  
(WICKI SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(BUTZ SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
WICKI: He's going
to burn it.

  
Yeah, that's what we thought.
We don't like that.

  
See, we like our Nazis in uniforms.
That way you can spot them.

  
Just like that.

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
But you take off that uniform, ain't
nobody going to know you's a Nazi.

  
And that don't sit
well with us.

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
So I'm going to give you a little
something you can't take off.

  
You know, Lieutenant, you're
getting pretty good at that.

  
You know how you get to
Carnegie Hall, don't you?

  
Practice.

  
(SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(EXCLAIMS)

  
(SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(LAUGHS)

  
(CLEARS THROAT)

  
(SIGHS)

  
(SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(CHUCKLES EXCITEDLY)

  
(EXHALES)

  
(SPEAKS FRENCH)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(LAUGHING)

  
(SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(CLEARS THROAT)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(LAUGHS EXCITEDLY)

  
(SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(BOTH SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(OFFICER EXCLAIMS)

  
(OFFICERS CHATTERING)

  
(SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(CLEARS THROAT)

  
(SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(EXHALES)

  
(CHUCKLES)

  
(LAUGHS)

  
(SAYING GOODBYE IN FRENCH)

  
(DRIVER SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(CAR APPROACHING)

  
(BRAKES SCREECH)

  
(SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(LAUGHING)

  
(GOEBBELS LAUGHING)

  
(SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(GOEBBELS SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(FREDRICK LAUGHS)

  
(SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(PANTING)

  
(BRAYING)

  
(SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(TRANSLATING IN FRENCH)

  
(TRANSLATOR
SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(COUGHS)

  
(SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(TRANSLATOR
SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(TRANSLATES IN GERMAN)

  
(GOEBBELS SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(TRANSLATING IN GERMAN)

  
(SCOFFS)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(CHUCKLES)

  
(LAUGHING)

  
(TRANSLATING IN FRENCH)

  
(FREDRICK SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
HANS: Au revoir, Shosanna!

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(LAUGHING)

  
(HANS SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(FREDRICK SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(HANS SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(FREDRICK SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(GOEBBELS SPEAKING
GERMAN)

  
(HANS SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(CHUCKLES)

  
(GASPING)

  
(GOEBBELS SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(LAUGHS)

  
(TRANSLATOR
SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(SHOSANNA
SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(GOEBBELS SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(SCOFFS)

  
MALE NARRATOR: At that time, 35 millimeter
nitrate film was so flammable

  
that you couldn't even
bring a reel onto a streetcar.

  
Hey, you can't bring those
here on a public vehicle.

  
They're films, ain't they?
- Yes.

  
Then they're flammable.
Go on, hop off.

  
MALE NARRATOR: Because nitrate film
burns three times faster than paper.

  
Shosanna has a collection

  
of over 350 nitrate
film prints.

  
(SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

  
MAN: Right this way,
Lieutenant.

  
(CLEARS THROAT)

  
Lieutenant Archie Hicox
reporting, sir.

  
General Ed Fenech.
At ease, Hicox.

  
Drink?

  
If you offer me a scotch and plain water,
I could drink a scotch and plain water.

  
That-a-boy, Lieutenant.
Make it yourself like a good chap, will you?

  
The bar is in the globe.

  
Something for yourself,
sir?

  
Whiskey. Straight.
No junk in it.

  
It says here that
you speak German fluently.

  
Like a Katzenjammer Kid.

  
And your occupation
before the war?

  
I'm a film critic.

  
List your accomplishments.

  
Well, sir,
such as they are,

  
I write reviews and articles for a
publication called Films and Filmmakers,

  
and I've had
two books published.

  
Impressive. Don't be modest,
Lieutenant. What are their titles?

  
The first book
was called

  
Art of the Eyes, the Heart and the Mind:
A Study of German Cinema in the '20s.

  
And the second one was called
Twenty-Four Frame da Vinci.

  
It's a subtextual film criticism study
of the work of German director G.W. Pabst.

  
What should we
drink to, sir?

  
Well...

  
Down with Hitler.

  
All the way down, sir.

  
Yes.

  
Are you familiar with German
cinema under the Third Reich?

  
Yes. Obviously, I haven't seen any of
the films made in the last three years,

  
but I'm familiar with it.

  
Explain it to me.

  
Pardon, sir?

  
Well, this little escapade of ours requires
a knowledge of the German film industry

  
under the Third Reich.
Explain to me UFA under Goebbels.

  
Goebbels considers
the films he's making

  
to be the beginning of a
new era in German cinema.

  
An alternative
to what he considers

  
the Jewish-German intellectual
cinema of the '20s,

  
and the Jewish-controlled
dogma of Hollywood.

  
How's he doing?

  
Frightfully sorry, sir.
Once again?

  
You say he wants to take on
the Jews at their own game.

  
Well, compared to,
say, Louis B. Mayer,

  
how's he doing?

  
Quite well, actually.

  
Since Goebbels
has taken over,

  
film attendance has steadily risen
in Germany over the last eight years.

  
But Louis B. Mayer wouldn't be
Goebbels' proper opposite number.

  
I believe Goebbels sees himself
closer to David O. Selznick.

  
Brief him.

  
Lieutenant Hicox, at this point and time
I'd like to brief you on Operation Kino.

  
Three days from now

  
Joseph Goebbels is throwing a gala
premiere of one of his new movies in Paris.

  
What film, sir?

  
The motion picture is
called Nation's Pride.

  
In attendance at this
joyous Germatic occasion

  
will be Goebbels, Goring, Bormann,
and most of the German High Command

  
including all high ranking officers
of both the SS and the Gestapo,

  
as well as luminaries of the
Nazi propaganda film industry.

  
The master race at play?

  
Basically, we have all our
rotten eggs in one basket.

  
The objective
of Operation Kino,

  
blow up the basket.

  
And like the snows of yesteryear,
gone from this earth.

  
Jolly good, sir.

  
An American Secret Service outfit
that lives deep behind enemy lines

  
will be your assist.

  
The Germans call them
the Basterds.

  
The Basterds.
Never heard of them.

  
Whole point of the Secret Service,
old boy, you not hearing of them.

  
But the Jerries have heard of them, because
these Yanks have been them the devil.

  
You'll be dropped into France,
about 24 kilometers outside of Paris.

  
The Basterds
will be waiting for you.

  
First thing, you'll go to a
little village called Nadine.

  
In Nadine, there's a
tavern called La Louisiane.

  
There you'll rendezvous with our
double agent. She'll take it from there.

  
She's the one who is going
to get you into the premiere.

  
It'll be you, her, and two
German-born members of the Basterds.

  
She's also made all the other
arrangements you're going to need.

  
How will I know her?

  
I suspect that won't be
too much trouble for you.

  
Your contact
is Bridget von Hammersmark.

  
Bridget von Hammersmark?

  
(CHUCKLING) The German movie
star is working for England?

  
Yes, for the last
two years now.

  
One could even say that
Operation Kino was her brainchild.

  
Indeed.

  
Got the gist?

  
I think so, sir.
Paris when it sizzles.

  
You didn't say the goddamn
rendezvous is in a fucking basement.

  
I didn't know.

  
You said it was
in a tavern.

  
It is a tavern.

  
Yeah, in a basement.

  
You know, fighting in a basement
offers a lot of difficulties.

  
Number one being, you're
fighting in a basement.

  
What if we go in there
and she's not even there?

  
We wait.

  
Don't worry. She's a British
spy. She'll make the rendezvous.

  
Stiglitz, right?

  
That's right, sir.

  
I hear you're pretty good
with that.

  
You know, we're not looking
for trouble right now.

  
Simply making contact with
our agent. Should be uneventful.

  
However, the off chance I'm
wrong, things prove eventful,

  
I need to know
we can all remain calm.

  
I don't look calm to you?

  
(LAUGHS)

  
Well, now that you put it
like that, I guess you do.

  
This Jerry of yours, Stiglitz, not
exactly the loquacious type, is he?

  
Is that the kind of man
you need? Loquacious type?

  
Fair point, Lieutenant.

  
So you all get in trouble in
there, what are we supposed to do?

  
Make bets
on how it all comes out?

  
If we get into trouble,
we can handle it.

  
But if trouble does happen,
we need you to make damn sure

  
no Germans, or French, for that
matter, escape from that basement.

  
If Frau von Hammersmark's cover is
compromised, the mission is kaput.

  
Speaking of Frau von Hammersmark, whose
idea was it for the deathtrap rendezvous?

  
She chose the spot.

  
Isn't that just dandy?

  
Look, she's not a military strategist.
She's just an actress.

  
You don't got to be Stonewall Jackson to
know you don't want to fight in a basement.

  
She wasn't picking
a place to fight.

  
She was picking a place
isolated and without Germans.

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(LAUGHING)

  
(ORDERING IN GERMAN
AND FRENCH)

  
(SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(ALL LAUGHING)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(MAN LAUGHING)

  
(FEMALE SERGEANT
SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(GLASS SHATTERING)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(SPEAKING FRENCH
AND GERMAN)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN
SOFTLY)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(CORK POPPING)

  
Mmm.

  
(SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(ALL CHEERING)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(ALL LAUGHING)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(ALL TOASTING IN GERMAN)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(STAMMERING)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(LAUGHING)

  
(THANKING IN GERMAN)

  
(EXHALING)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(PHONOGRAPH CRACKLING)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(LAUGHING)

  
(ALL LAUGHING)

  
(BOTH LAUGHING)

  
(CHUCKLING)

  
(LAUGHING)

  
(SIGHS)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(HUMMING
EXOTIC MELODY)

  
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

  
(WHIP CRACKING)

  
(GRUNTS)

  
(VON HAMMERSMARK LAUGHING)

  
(VON HAMMERSMARK AND HICOX
SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(HICOX SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(LAUGHING)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(LAUGHING)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(EXHALES)

  
(ERIC SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(EXCLAIMS)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(BOTH SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
Well, if this is it,
old boy,

  
I hope you don't mind if I
go out speaking the King's.

  
By all means,
Captain.

  
There's a special rung in hell reserved
for people who waste good Scotch.

  
Seeing as I may be rapping
on the door momentarily,

  
I must say,
damn good stuff, sir.

  
Now, about this pickle

  
we find ourselves in.

  
It would appear there's only
one thing left for you to do.

  
And what would that be?

  
Stiglitz.

  
Say auf Wiedersehen
to your Nazi balls.

  
(SCREAMING)

  
(PANTING)

  
(DOOR OPENING)

  
(GUN COCKING)

  
You outside.
Who are you?

  
British? American?

  
What?

  
ALDO: We're American.

  
What are you?

  
I'm a German, you idiot.

  
ALDO: Speak English
pretty good for a German.

  
I agree.

  
So let's talk.

  
Okay, talk.

  
I'm a father.

  
My baby was born today.
In Frankfurt.

  
Five hours ago.

  
His name is Max.
We were in here drinking, celebrating.

  
They're the ones that came in shooting
and killing. It's not my fault!

  
Okay!
It wasn't your fault.

  
What's your name,
soldier?

  
Wilhelm.

  
Now, is there anybody alive
on our side?

  
No.
I'm alive!

  
(SHOUTING IN GERMAN)

  
ALDO: Who's that?

  
(GRUNTS)

  
Is the girl
on your side?

  
Which girl?

  
Who do you think?
Von Hammersmark.

  
Yeah, she's ours.

  
Is she okay?

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
Wilhelm!

  
(SHOUTING IN GERMAN)

  
She's been shot.

  
But she's alive.

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
ALDO: Okay, Wilhelm.

  
What do you say
we make us a deal?

  
What's your name?

  
Aldo.

  
Okay, Wilhelm,
here's my deal.

  
You let me and one of my men come
down there and take the girl away.

  
No guns. No guns me,
no guns you.

  
And we take the girl and leave.
It's that simple, Willi.

  
You go your way,
we go ours.

  
And little Max gets to grow up
playing catch with his daddy.

  
So what do you say, Willi?
We got us a deal?

  
Aldo.

  
I'm here, Willi.

  
I want to trust you.

  
But...

  
But how can I?

  
What choice you got,
son?

  
Okay, okay.

  
Aldo,

  
I'm going to trust you.

  
Come down.

  
(SNIFFLES)

  
Hey, Willi, what's with the machine gun?
I thought we had us a deal?

  
We still have a deal.
Now, get the girl and go.

  
Not so fast.

  
We only got a deal,
we trust each other.

  
And a Mexican standoff
ain't trust.

  
You need guns on me for it
to be a Mexican standoff.

  
You got guns on us.
You decide to shoot, we're dead.

  
Up top, they got grenades.
They drop them down here, you're dead.

  
That's a Mexican standoff,
and that was not the deal.

  
No trust,
no deal.

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
All right, Aldo.

  
Fine.

  
Just take that fucking traitor,
and get her out of my sight.

  
(VON HAMMERSMARK GROANING)

  
Not so goddamn fast, doc.
Tell him to go play with his dogs.

  
(SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(DOGS BARKING)

  
Before we yank that slug out you,
you need to answer a few questions.

  
Few questions
about what?

  
About I got three men
dead back there.

  
Why don't you try telling us
what the fuck happened?

  
The British officer blew his German
act and the Gestapo major saw it.

  
Before we get into
who shot John,

  
why'd you invite my men to a rendezvous
in a basement with a bunch of Nazis?

  
I can see since you didn't
see what happened inside,

  
that the Nazis being there
must look odd.

  
Yeah, we got a word for
that kind of odd in English.

  
It's called suspicious.

  
(EXCLAIMING)

  
Everybody needs
to calm down.

  
You're letting your imagination
get the better of you.

  
You met the sergeant
yourself. Willi.

  
You remember him,
don't you?

  
Yeah, I remember him.

  
His wife had a baby tonight.
He had just become a...

  
He had just become
a father!

  
His commanding officer gave him and
his mates the night off to celebrate.

  
(GROANS)

  
The Germans being there was either a
trap set by me or a tragic coincidence.

  
It couldn't be both.

  
(GRUNTING)

  
How'd the shooting start?

  
The Englishman
gave himself away.

  
How'd he do that?

  
He ordered three glasses.

  
We order three glasses.

  
That's the German three.

  
The other looks odd.

  
Germans would
and did notice it.

  
(BREATHING DEEPLY)

  
Okay, let's pretend
there were no Germans

  
and everything went exactly
the way it was supposed to.

  
What was the next step?

  
Tuxedos.

  
To get them into the premiere
wearing military uniforms

  
with all the military there
would've been suicide.

  
But going as members
of the German film industry,

  
they wear tuxedos and fit
in with everybody else.

  
I arranged for the tailor
to fit three tuxedos tonight.

  
How'd you intend to get them
in that premiere?

  
Hand me my purse.

  
Lieutenant Hicox
was going as my escort.

  
The other two were going as a
German cameraman and his assistant.

  
You still get us
in that premiere?

  
You speak German better
than your friends? No.

  
Have I been shot? Yes!

  
I don't see me tripping the light
fantastique up a red carpet anytime soon.

  
Least of all,
by tomorrow night.

  
However, there's something
you don't know.

  
There've been two recent
developments regarding Operation Kino.

  
One, the venue has been changed from
The Ritz to a much smaller venue.

  
Enormous change at the last minute?
That's not very Germatic.

  
Why the hell is Goebbels
doing stuff so damn peculiar?

  
It probably has something to
do with the second development.

  
Which is?

  
Der Fuhrer is attending
the premiere.

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
Fuck a duck!

  
What are you thinking?

  
I'm thinking getting a whack
at planting old Uncle Adolf

  
makes this horse
a different color.

  
What is that
supposed to mean?

  
It means you getting us
in that premiere.

  
I'm probably going
to end up losing this leg.

  
Bye-bye, acting career.
Fun while it lasted.

  
How do you expect me
to walk the red carpet?

  
(SNORTS)

  
Doggy doc's going to dig
that slug out your gam.

  
He's going to wrap it up
in a cast,

  
and you got a good how-l-broke-my-leg-
mountain-climbing story.

  
That's German, ain't it? You all like
climbing mountains, don't you?

  
I don't. I like smoking, drinking
and ordering in restaurants.

  
But I see your point.

  
We fill you up with morphine
till it's coming out your ears

  
and just limp your little
ass up that reuge carpet.

  
I know this is a silly
question before I ask it,

  
but can you Americans speak
any other language than English?

  
We both speak
a little Italian.

  
With an atrocious accent,
no doubt.

  
But that doesn't exactly
kill us in the crib.

  
Germans don't have
a good ear for Italian.

  
So you mumble Italian and brazen
through it. Is that the plan?

  
That's about it.

  
That sounds good.

  
It sounds like shit. What else
are we going to do? Go home?

  
No, that sounds good.

  
If you don't blow it, with that,
I can get you in the building.

  
Who does what?

  
Well, I speak the most
Italian, so I'll be your escort.

  
Donowitz speaks second most, so
he'll be your Italian cameraman.

  
Omar, third most.
He'll be Donny's assistant.

  
I don't speak Italian.

  
Like I said, third best. Just
keep your fucking mouth shut.

  
In fact, why don't you
start practicing right now?

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(CHUCKLES)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(MOTORCYCLE ENGINES STARTING)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(KISSES)

  
(DRAMATIC ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

  
(SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
Yes.

  
(SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(MAN SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(LAUGHING)

  
(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

  
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

  
Gorlomi?

  
Gorlomi.

  
(SOFTLY) Gorlomi.

  
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

  
Antonio Margheriti.

  
Margheriti.

  
HANS: Margheriti.

  
Dominick Decocco.

  
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Dominick Decocco.

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

  
(ALL SAYING GOODBYE
IN ITALIAN)

  
(BOTH LAUGHING)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

  
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

  
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

  
(BOTH LAUGHING)

  
(SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(HANS SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

  
(USHER CONTINUES
ANNOUNCING IN GERMAN)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(GASPS SOFTLY)

  
(SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
What's that
American expression?

  
"If the shoe fits,
you must wear it."

  
(CHUCKLES)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(HANS EXCLAIMING)

  
(VON HAMMERSMARK GRUNTING)

  
(VON HAMMERSMARK SIGHS)

  
(HANS PANTING)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
ALDO: Fucking shithead.
Faggot fuck. Fuck you!

  
Bunch of shithead fuck.

  
Fuck you, too!

  
Goddamn Nazi farts, sons of bitches!
Get your hands off me.

  
You fucking bratwurst-smelling...
Goddamn you! Get off!

  
Hmm.

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
You Jerry-banging,
Limburg-smelling...

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
As Stanley said
to Livingstone,

  
Lieutenant Aldo Raine,
I presume?

  
Hans Landa.

  
(TRUCK ENGINE STARTING)

  
You've had
a nice long run, Aldo.

  
Alas, you're now
in the hands of the SS.

  
My hands to be exact.

  
And they've been waiting
a long time to touch you.

  
Caught you flinching.

  
ALDO: Touch me again,
Kraut-burger.

  
Utivich?

  
Is that you,
Lieutenant?

  
Yeah.

  
Do you know
what happened to Donny?

  
Omar?

  
The woman?

  
No, I do not.

  
Tell me, Aldo, if I were
sitting where you're sitting,

  
would you
show me mercy?

  
Nope.

  
What is that English
expression about shoes and feet?

  
"Looks like the shoe is on the other foot."
Yeah, I was just thinking that.

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
So you're Aldo the Apache.

  
So you're The Jew Hunter.

  
I'm a detective.

  
A damn good detective.

  
Finding people
is my specialty,

  
so naturally, I worked for
the Nazis finding people.

  
And, yes, some of them were Jews.
But Jew Hunter?

  
(SNORTS)

  
Just a name that stuck.

  
Well, you do have
to admit, it is catchy.

  
Do you control the nicknames
your enemies bestow on you?

  
Aldo the Apache
and the Little Man?

  
What do you mean
the Little Man?

  
Germans' nickname for you.

  
The Germans' nickname for me
is the Little Man?

  
And as if to make my point, I'm a little
surprised how tall you were in real life.

  
I mean, you're a little fellow,
but not circus-midget little,

  
as your reputation
would suggest.

  
Where's my men?

  
Where's
Bridget von Hammersmark?

  
Well, let's just say,
she got what she deserved.

  
And when you purchase friends
like Bridget von Hammersmark,

  
you get what you pay for.

  
Now as far as your paesanos,
Sergeant Donowitz and Private Omar...

  
How you know our names?

  
Lieutenant Aldo,

  
if you don't think
I wouldn't interrogate

  
every single one of your
swastika-marked survivors,

  
we simply aren't operating on the
level of mutual respect I assumed.

  
No, I guess not.

  
Well, back to the whereabouts
of your two Italian saboteurs.

  
As of this moment,

  
both Omar and Donowitz should be sitting
in the very seats we left them in.

  
Double-zero 23 and
double-zero 24, if my memory serves.

  
Explosives still around their
ankles, still ready to explode.

  
And your mission, some
would call a terrorist plot,

  
as of this moment,
is still a go.

  
That's a pretty exciting story.
What's next? Eliza on Ice?

  
However,

  
all I have to do is pick up
this phone right here,

  
inform the cinema,
and your plan is kaput.

  
If they're still here, and if they're
still alive, and that's one big if,

  
there ain't no way you're
going to take them boys

  
without setting off
them bombs.

  
I have no doubt.

  
And, yes, some Germans will die.
Yes, it will ruin the evening.

  
And, yes, Goebbels will be
very, very, very mad at you

  
for what you've done
to his big night.

  
But you won't get Hitler,
you won't get Goebbels,

  
you won't get Goring,
and you won't get Bormann.

  
And you need all four
to end the war.

  
But if I don't pick up
this phone right here,

  
you may very well
get all four.

  
And if you get all four,
you end the war

  
tonight.

  
So, gentlemen,

  
let's discuss the prospect
of ending the war tonight.

  
So, the way I see it,

  
since Hitler's death or possible
rescue rests solely on my reaction,

  
if I do nothing,

  
it's as if I'm causing his
death even more than yourselves.

  
Wouldn't you agree?

  
I guess so.

  
How about you,
Utivich?

  
I guess so, too.

  
Gentlemen,
I have no intention

  
of killing Hitler and killing Goebbels
and killing Goring and killing Bormann,

  
not to mention winning the war
single-handedly for the Allies,

  
only later to find myself
standing before a Jewish tribunal.

  
If you want to win
the war tonight,

  
we have to make a deal.

  
What kind of deal?

  
The kind you wouldn't
have the authority to make.

  
However, I'm sure this mission
of yours has a commanding officer.

  
A general.

  
I'm betting for...

  
OSS would be my guess.

  
(EXCLAIMS)

  
That's a bingo!

  
Is that the way you say it?
"That's a bingo."

  
You just say, "Bingo."

  
Bingo! How fun.

  
But I digress. Where were we?
Yeah! Make a deal.

  
Over there is a very capable
two-way radio and sitting behind it

  
is a more than capable
radio operator named Hermann.

  
Get me someone on the
other end of that radio

  
with the power of the pen
to authorize my,

  
let's call it, the terms
of my conditional surrender.

  
If that tastes better
going down.

  
You know,
where I'm from...

  
Yeah?
Where is that exactly?

  
Maynardville,
Tennessee.

  
I've done my share
of bootlegging.

  
Up there, if you engage in what the
federal government calls illegal activity,

  
but what we call just a man trying
to make a living for his family

  
selling moonshine liquor, it
behooves oneself to keep his wits.

  
Long story short, we hear
a story too good to be true,

  
it ain't.

  
Sitting in your chair, I would
probably say the same thing,

  
and 999. 999 times out of a million,
you would be correct.

  
But in the pages of history,
every once in a while,

  
fate reaches out
and extends its hand.

  
What shall
the history books read?

  
(PEOPLE ON FILM SHOUTING)

  
(GUNFIRE)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(SCREAMING)

  
MAN: I implore you.
We must destroy that tower.

  
Sarge, that tower...

  
MAN: The tower stands!

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
Psst! Psst!

  
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

  
(SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(GUNFIRE)

  
(PEOPLE CHEERING)

  
HANS: So when the military
history of this night is written,

  
it will be recorded that I
was part of Operation Kino

  
from the very beginning
as a double agent.

  
Anything I've done in
my guise as an SS Colonel

  
was sanctioned by the OSS
as a necessary evil

  
to establish my cover
with the Germans.

  
And it was my placement of
Lieutenant Raine's dynamite

  
in Hitler and Goebbels' opera
box that assured their demise.

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
By the way, that last
part is actually true.

  
I want my full military pension
and benefits under my proper rank.

  
I want to receive the
Congressional Medal of Honor

  
for my invaluable assistance in
the toppling of the Third Reich.

  
In fact, I want all the
members of Operation Kino

  
to receive the
Congressional Medal of Honor.

  
Full citizenship for myself.
Well, that goes without saying.

  
And I would like
the United States of America

  
to purchase property for me
on Nantucket Island

  
as a reward for all the
countless lives I've saved

  
by bringing the tyranny of
the National Socialist Party

  
to a swifter-than-imagined end.
Do you have all that, sir?

  
I look forward to seeing you
face to face as well, sir.

  
Lieutenant Raine?
Right here.

  
Yes, sir.

  
GENERAL: Colonel Landa will put you and
Private Utivich in a truck as prisoners.

  
Then he and his radio operator will
get in the truck and drive to our lines.

  
Upon crossing our lines, Colonel Landa
and his man will surrender to you.

  
You will then take over
driving of the truck

  
and bring them straight to me for
debriefing. Is that clear, Lieutenant?

  
Yes, sir.

  
Over and out.

  
(GUNFIRE)

  
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

  
(LAUGHING)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
(CHIMING)

  
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

  
(SPEAKING FRENCH)

  
(SIGHS)

  
(GUNFIRE ON FILM)

  
(GROANS)

  
(MOANS)

  
(SCREAMS)

  
When I kill that guy, you got
30 feet to get to that guard.

  
Can you do it?
I have to.

  
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

  
Champagne?

  
(GUNSHOT)

  
(SCREAMING)

  
(LAUGHING)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
Who wants to send
a message to Germany?

  
I have a message
for Germany.

  
That you are
all going to die.

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
And I want you to look deep into the
face of the Jew who's going to do it!

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
Marcel, burn it down.

  
Oui, Shosanna.

  
(LAUGHING)

  
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

  
My name
is Shosanna Dreyfus,

  
and this is the face

  
of Jewish vengeance.

  
(SHOSANNA LAUGHING)

  
(SPEAKING GERMAN)

  
HANS: Hermann,
uncuff them.

  
I'm officially surrendering myself
over to you, Lieutenant Raine.

  
We're your prisoners.

  
How about my knife?

  
(CHUCKLES)

  
Thank you very much,
Colonel.

  
Utivich, cuff the Colonel's
hands behind his back.

  
Is that really
necessary?

  
I'm a slave
to appearances.

  
(GUNSHOT)

  
Scalp Hermann.

  
Are you mad?

  
What have you done?

  
I made a deal with your
general for that man's life!

  
Yeah, they made that deal. But they don't
give a fuck about him. They need you.

  
You'll be shot for this!

  
Nah, I don't think so. More like
chewed out. I've been chewed out before.

  
You know, Utivich and myself heard
that deal you made with the brass.

  
End the war tonight?

  
I'd make that deal.

  
How about you, Utivich?
You make that deal?

  
I'd make that deal.

  
I don't blame you.
Damn good deal.

  
And that pretty little nest
you feathered for yourself.

  
Well, if you're willing to
barbecue the whole High Command,

  
I suppose that's worth
certain considerations.

  
But I do have
one question.

  
When you get to your little
place on Nantucket Island,

  
I imagine you are going to take off that
handsome-looking SS uniform of yours.

  
Ain't you?

  
That's what I thought.

  
Now, that I can't abide.

  
How about you, Utivich,
can you abide it?

  
Not one damn bit, sir.

  
I mean,
if I had my way,

  
you'd wear that goddamn uniform for
the rest of your pecker-sucking life.

  
But I'm aware
that ain't practical.

  
I mean, at some point, you're
going to have to take it off.

  
So,

  
I'm going to give you a little
something you can't take off.

  
(HANS SCREAMING)

  
You know something,
Utivich?

  
I think this just might be
my masterpiece.